The vape burns quietly in my closet,

Itching to be used,

Smoke curls into my clothes,

Into my skin,

My very self,

Ready to ignite.

“Find me. Use me,”

It hisses.

But instead, I lie numb in my bed.

The razors glint in my lamp’s light,

Peeking from between the drawers,

Between folded shirts,

Between trembling legs.

“Take me. Use me,”

They whisper.

And as my tears glide along their edges,

Softening metal meant for flesh,

They wait.

They don’t know any better.

They beg for pain.

But my hands fall slack,

And still, I lie numb in my bed.

The pills burn in their bottles,

Hidden somewhere in this room,

Begging to be freed,

Aching for a taste.

“Try me. Swallow me,” They cry.

But I turn away,

Pretend I hear nothing.

My whole body,

Still,

Heavy,

Silent.

As if life is already slipping from me.

But, only figuratively.

I know you'd all be angry

If I left that quietly.

That’s why the vape still smolders,

Why the razors still shine,

Why the pills remain buried,

Longing, but untouched.

I may pray for an end,

But death is not the answer

To this aching sorrow.

All I really want

Is to feel less hollow.

All you really want

Is for my lover to mean it,

When he says he loves me,

Not just my body,

Scratched up and discarded,

Like bittersweet candy.

All I really want

Is for someone to say they love me,

And for me to believe it.

Someone who sees me on the edge

And doesn’t look away.

Someone who says, “Don’t go. Stay.”

Someone who believes

That their love could stop me.

Because maybe it could.

All I want

Is a little reassurance,

A little company.

All I really want

Is to feel it,

When you say you love me.