I wasn’t aware it existed,

Not when I was a kid.

And yet, in every way

I expressed myself,

It was there, always in place.

And then, as I got older,

I realized the value of it.

Middle School can really

Kill it and christen it

once again.

And then I became a teenager,

And soon everyone faked it.

Everyone pretended like

They knew what they were doing.

And so we all stood,

never with our hearts on our sleeves.

We protected our confidence

because we were no longer kids.

And then you came along,

And within days I gave you my heart.

And soon you called me yours.

But then you decided I wasn’t good enough,

and left me standing in the rain.

And now I search for my confidence

Amidst all the pain.

I look for it

in between shopping aisles,

pushing my cart along,

hoping I’ll see it near the rice and smile.

And then, like magic, I’ll be alright.

And when I don’t find it,

I head to the library,

push apart books,

hoping that it’ll jump right out

and surprise me.

And I don’t find it,

not in my laundry,

not in my favourite café,

I’m just humouring myself, really.

I know where I left my confidence,

I left it in the rain,

It dropped somewhere in the muddy puddles

as you packed your things and drove away.

And yet I don't try

to go back down memory lane.

Afraid if I do,

I’ll find myself down the way.

I’m afraid that I’ll find my younger self,

and she asks me what’s wrong.

She’ll be all smiles and sunshine,

and I won’t know what to say.

Because somewhere down the road,

my confidence drifted away.

I’ll shake my head, ignore her, and keep walking,

searching the roads and sewers,

and humour myself, still looking.

Searching for the one thing

I’m afraid to find inside.

Because if I look there and don’t find

my confidence,

I’m afraid that the younger version of me,

The little kid who didn’t know what confidence is,

will die.