Dear Santa,
I still remember the moment you died
Your whimsy leaving my hollow bones
The magic once woven in your name, gone
It wasn’t sudden, no abrupt end to our story
It took years
Years of my belief dwindling
Years of holding on to loose threads,
making me fall right where I started
Years of people telling me you are still
there, bringing cheer and faith to so many people
While my confusion took over, for I was sure you had left me
Granted, I don’t know if you truly died,
Or if I killed you
Your benevolence is tainted by my apprehension
Truth be told, I cut you off,
my hypocrisy is too much to bear
I begged for you, kneeling at your feet
I’ve forgotten you, cursing your name in vain
My God, I’m a wandering soul stuck
with their own self
Who has forsaken you, and accused you of forsaking me

Dear Santa
It’s been years since I last thought of writing to you
You remain in my head, feeble and silenced
But time moves, and I grow restless
Every step a burden
So I don’t know if I have any right to ask for Christmas presents
I don’t know if you’ll toss my name into the trash bin at first sight
Cross me off the list
Brand me a nonbeliever
After everything I’ve done and didn’t do, I know what I deserve

But this Christmas, all I ask
Is to understand how you carry the
weight on your shoulders so easily
Your head held high while the world crowns you with thorns
Your presence is so strong, I forget
You have a heart that beats
And a soul that lives
And a youth that precedes time
Your accolades are lined up across nature’s walls
Forgetting you once held those trees with humane tenderness

The way you embrace the love of those
Surrounding you
The peace I wish to reach
I know it is not my place to ask
But let me lean at your altar once more
Hands clasped together
Beg for your mercy, a tired, wayward
soul stuck in their own head
Please guide me,
teach me how to live as a human
With the will of a deity